The End of a Blog

I’ll just say it: I can’t do everything I want to do. Even at 37 this still doesn’t feel true, but maybe saying it will be liberating. Maybe saying it, even though I don’t believe it, will relieve me of the paralysis that can come from a disorganized mind with too many ambitions and not enough drive to match. Maybe by saying what I know is true, I’ll start to feel it.

For a time I thought I might want to blog. Inspired by the blogs I loved—Gawker (in the Choire, Balk, Emily days), rabbit blog, Wonkette and of course Sullivan—I thought blogging could be a good outlet for my eclectic and always expanding interests, though I knew my full-time job would keep me from posting too often.

In the six months I tried it, I don’t think I did an awful job. But looking back over what I’ve written here, (and what I wrote before that when I had my even more poorly updated blog at MySpace) I don’t feel that my strengths lie in trying to distill current events or politics into a few paragraphs. Writing doesn’t spill out of me like it does some people. It is a slow process. I am slow. You should see me struggling to craft a post, or an email, or, fuck, a text message. It is ridiculous. I do not have the particular skill that a good blogger has. I mean, I certainly could if I wanted to (see above), but whatever.

I like having a place to post my writing, but I don’t want to be a project in and of itself. While having a blog has made me write more, I think this shift in thinking will make my writing better. I will still write things specifically for this site, but my intention is that what gets posted here won’t be first drafts, composed in minutes or hours, but final pieces that I’ve spent time thinking about over multiple drafts and multiple days. Most of the best things I’ve put up are not typical first drafts anyway, but considered and edited first or second or third drafts, mixed together with less thought out stuff.

I’ve also created a Tumblr site to post snippets of things that I’m getting inspiration from as a companion to this site, but you probably won’t find the funny new viral video making the rounds there. No one needs me to post “David After Dentist”. I’m glad there are people who do post that, but I doubt anybody came here in hopes of finding day old internet buzz.

Lastly, I guess, is what to do about the stuff I’ve written online over the past few years that I don’t hate. I’d like it to stay around, if only for me, if only to urge me forward. When I launched back in January, I cheated. I added much of my old Myspace writing into this new space and backdated it as if I had been writing and posting here all along. I never felt good about it.

When I was 17 or 18, I destroyed most everything I’d ever written. In a fit of passion, or whatever is the wounded opposite of passion, I ripped apart all the notebooks I’d written in since I was 12 or 13 and burned all the letters I’d written to all the girls I no longer wanted to love.

I did the same thing electronically a few years ago on Myspace.

This time I’m going to try to save some of it. In the menu bar, under “Collected Works”, I’ll be adding stuff from the old blogs I want to keep around. Plus, I will probably add some non-blog, offline writing as well. And as I write new things here, and elsewhere, it may make sense for me to add some of those there as well.

For the few people who read the old site, welcome back. I hope I didn’t ruin your whole life. To everyone else, you probably didn’t miss much, but stick around anyway.