Posthip

With a little under five months left in Dallas, I have decided to take on a girlfriend, much like a sinking boat takes on water. But the question remains: who? For any candidates out there who might read this, let me tell you what to expect over the next five months of being my gal.

Month One:

Likely, you will not know that we are dating during this time, since I find it next to impossible to make a move unless I am severely intoxicated. If I do make a move, God willing, you will be as drunk as I am. Any late night hookups will likely be bad and you will want to dismiss them as nothing more than cheap, drunken sex, if sex is even possible with the amount of liquor that we’ve consumed.

Month Two:

After a few drunken hookups, real live actual dates (which might include dinner, theater or dinner theater) might be attempted. Sober sex will be had, wherein you begin to become convinced that, in agreement with what I have said all along, I really am not gay, and further, I might actually like you. This is usually the beginning of the end.

Month Two and a Half:

You will start to grow tired of me and begin to think that this might not work out. If I get any hint of this, however, I will preemptively break up with you and then immediately regret it.

Month Three:

By now, we are either merely going through the motions of dating or are attempting, unsuccessfully, to remain friends. If we are in fact broken up, there are likely to be overly long confessional letters and more than one drawn out, late night conversation as I try to come to grips with what went wrong and/or convince you to try to work things out.

Month Four:

You are probably dating someone else by this time, and I’m not sure where that leaves “us”. Are we still dating? Are you and Michael/Mike/Micah/Angela exclusive? Well then, what are you doing Friday? Don’t look at me like that.

Month Five:

Things are pleasantly friendly by now, but I still get wistful thinking about you, and sometimes my playfulness, well, there is sometimes more to it than just trying to be funny. I can admit that. I mean, it’s only been a little while that we’ve been broken up. Sometimes I wish I had done things differently. I mean, back then, I really didn’t know what the fuck I was doing. I’ve learned so much over the past few months– I guess the timing was just bad. I’m moving to New York in a couple of weeks anyway, but who knows what might happen later on? You should come visit sometime. It’d be fun. The winters are cold, but I’m sure we could figure out a way to keep warm. Just kidding.

(Originally posted August 7, 2006)