Posthip

So, I’ve been single for a long time now. I haven’t been in an exclusive relationship for almost ten years. As a professional single person, I have found many vagaries in the relationship world, and I’m just wondering how my (somewhat evolving) classifications stack up with the rest of the world’s. Granted, this is from a male point of view and is going to be more linear than the female point of view– it’s more linear than even I think the Relationship Hierarchy is– but I’m really only examining the casual relationship that may or may not develop into some semblance of a romantic relationship, leaving the spectrum of a growing platonic relationship out of this discussion. So here goes:

The Acquaintance: Someone you’ve met but have had limited interaction with. These people generally don’t have your phone number. They may often be described as “This guy/girl I met.”

The Pseudo-Friend: A step up from Acquaintance, this is someone you’ve had conversations with and may have some sort of ongoing relationship with though it is fairly inactive. These people may or may not have your phone number. The Pseudo-Friend is a temporary state that happens at the beginning of a relationship, and generally they either move forward into the Just Friends category or backward into the Acquaintance category. It’s not polite to use the term Pseudo Friend, but you know who I’m talking about.

The Crush: This one’s pretty volatile. While their actual value to you is pretty small, they can very quickly shoot up the hierarchy with a little prodding. This is someone that you are attracted to who you would like to “get to know better” but don’t know if there is any interest on their part, or in my case, you just assume that there isn’t. You probably don’t have their phone number unless one of you drinks a lot– in fact you may have never actually met this person, but man, they sure look cute from across the room.

Just Friends: This isn’t that good friend that you hang out with all the time and have loads of fun with, this is the friendship that you accept or offer as a consolation instead of a romantic relationship. This is also probably a temporary state, usually followed by either a slide back down the ladder, or a leap across to the Friendship Hierarchy where an actual friendship can be formed. See, even if you say “I just want to be friends,” it doesn’t actually make you friends.

A Pseudo Date: This is what happens when two people go out and neither is sure if the other is interested. Maybe neither of them are, maybe both of them are or maybe only one of them is, but who the fuck knows? This can be a one time event, or A Series Of Pseudo Dates. I have written my congressman and proposed legislation that a set of signals be developed to demonstrate interest or disinterest to the other person in the event of A Pseudo Date. Failure to display a clear signal by the third Pseudo Date would result in a mandatory make-out session or loss of license. Some people define Pseudo Dating as any dating where one of the parties is not interested in an exclusive relationship, but 1. I don’t think that’s nuanced enough, and 2. I don’t think a normal dating relationship has to be exclusive. Like The Crush, A Pseudo Date can easily jump up or slide down the ladder quickly.

The One Night Stand: A one time hook-up that, intentionally or unintentionally, doesn’t happen again.

The Trick: A One Night Stand that happens more than once over an undetermined period of time, but doesn’t develop beyond sex. This is really more of a gay term, I think, but I’m co-opting it for the straights as well.

The Fuck Buddy: This could be a failed Dating relationship, a Crush gone awry or Just Friends who find that they like sex with each other but not enough to date. There is generally some non-sexual interaction, but mostly it’s just sex.

Friends With Benefits: This is a mythical state in which two people who genuinely like each other and hang out but aren’t interested in anything serious decide that they are mature enough to have a physical relationship in addition to their friendship without things getting too complicated. Right.

A Date: This is when one person asks the other to “go out” or sometimes “hang out” with them and it is understood by both parties that they are both open (at least at the start of the evening) to something more than Just Friends. I might propose to my congressman that the terms “go out” and “hang out” not be used interchangeably as the confusion between the two often leads to A Pseudo Date. I submit that when people “hang out” they are Just Friends and when they “go out” they are on A Date. Let me think about this…

A Series Of Dates: More than one A Date.

Dating: A Series of Dates can (but doesn’t necessarily) lead to what is called Dating. This can be confusing for people. For example, if you go out on A Date with someone three times, you may be going out on A Series Of Dates or you may be Dating. I do not know when one becomes the other. Personally, I say when you are going out on A Series Of Dates with someone and are “fucking” them you are Dating them, but I’m old fashioned. Also, I think if one of the people doesn’t want to have sex yet and this has been discussed but the two people continue to go out, they are probably Dating. A shout out to all my celibate homies out there (do I have any celibate homies? I seriously doubt it). Many people think that Dating means Dating Exclusively and that’s fine, but exclusivity is not inherent in the term Dating and it might take a grown up conversation to figure out which Mode of Dating you and your partner are comfortable with.

A few examples:

Dating Mode 1- Non-Exclusive: No fidelity is expected in the relationship. You can date anything that moves.

Dating Mode 2- Physical Exclusivity: You may go on A Date or A Series of Dates with anyone, but you have decided to only be physical or sexual with one person.

Dating Mode 3- Non-Active Exclusivity: You are only actively dating one person, but are still open to meeting someone else, at which time a reassesment might be in order. In my experience this usually leads to Lesbianism, but whatever.

Dating Exclusively: This is for those who don’t think Dating automatically means exclusivity, but nonetheless think that there comes a point in a relationship that the option of going out on A Date with someone outside the relationship is no longer an option*. Depending on the people involved, this could happen anywhere from the end of the first date to the beginning of the second year. In my experience if you have been Dating for six months or more without an explicit understanding of where you are on the heirarchy, you should probably have a conversation. Dating Exclusively doesn’t necessarily mean that things are getting Serious, it is just an observance of certain rules.

Serious: It’s all over at this point. Thanks for playing.

I was tempted to put a category for “Boyfriend/Girlfriend” but I like those as terms of endearment rather than ways to define a relationship. However, they should absolutely never be used prior to the A Series Of Dates stage and probably not before Dating.

*Since some people don’t believe in monogamy, there is an easy way to amend this Hierarchy: Simply add the words “But you can still have sex with other people occasionally or often, depending on your understanding with your partner” after every definition.

(Originally posted February 2, 2006)